Random geek girl thoughts

Saturday, May 08, 2010

True Love

Single motherhood... it's a hard life. You don't fit in with the single crowd, and you don't fit in with the married crowd. If your ex-husband chooses not to be a part of their children's lives (my scenario) then the title takes on a whole new meaning. Now you have to be the mother AND the father. It is stressful, and it is painful and you never feel like you have truly fulfilled the measure of either title. I feel like I constantly let my kids down. Either because of work, or because I am too tired or because I try to socialize with other adults on occasion. Not to mention how crazy it gets trying to date someone whilst being a single mother. The life is hard, I wont lie to you. If you can make your marriage work... stick with it.... work it out... because single motherhood is not a flashy new life for you. I never wanted to be one, but it happened. That being said, I have accepted my role as both a father and a mother. My mom has taken it upon herself to help me as well. She has taken up the mothering, nurturing role, whilst I have taken the father role. She watches the kids after they get out of school, helps them with their homework and even feeds them dinner most nights. I go to work, come home tired, ask how the kids are, sign school papers that she has laid out on the counter for me. Then I take my children home, make them dinner occasionally, and have them brush their teeth and head to bed... because school is currently in session, and being up past 8pm is not an option. (We struggle to get up and get to school on time if we have stayed up too late). So as you can see, my life is ALL work.. and a two to three hour window with me being an actual "mom" to my children. Hence why my guilt builds and builds... and I feel like I am constantly disappointing my children. I feel like I have never been good enough or strong enough to be a mother to them. I feel like a failure most nights after I tuck them in for the night and look back on how much time I had to spend with them... quality time. It is never enough.
All my fears and insecurities were put to rest after tonight. My children surprised me with the coolest mother's Day EVER!!!
My youngest son Jude presented me with a homemade paper flower vase that he colored orange (my favorite color) and blue (his favorite color) and then filled it with paper flowers that he made and colored. And on each stem of the flowers is a service that he is willing to do to help me around the house. It was soooo sweet. Calvin, my second to oldest, made be a beautiful book cover with his picture on it, and inside housed the most precious two page letter EVER. It was a letter from him, telling me why he loved me and why I was the best mom in the world. I started to cry reading it out-loud... heck, I'm crying now typing about this. Then Riley... my oldest... pulls out a DVD and asks me to play it. She has taken it upon herself to learn how to edit pictures and movies in Windows Movie Maker on the computer, and made me a FULL DVD of old home videos and pictures of our lives together... me and my kids. From start to end. The music that plays in the background is "You Raise Me Up" from the Celtic Woman's CD... a very beautiful version... and a song from the Broadway play Wicked, that I love called "I Knew You"... with lyrics like this:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

This is when the crocodile tears of happiness began to flow. Watching my life unfold on the TV... my early years. My daughter who is 13 years old now... a baby, in my arms on the screen. Followed by the boys... telling the story of our lives. The moments that were captured. The first steps, the birthdays, the tears and the laughter... all on this beautifully made DVD by my daughter who has grown to be such a warm hearted, sweet soul. I truly don't know where I would be without her. Or my boys for that matter. It was such a display of love, that I was so overwhelmed that I was choking on my tears trying to keep it together.
"They did this for me?"
What have I done for them?
I am so undeserving of these children. They have loved me unconditionally, and infinitely... regardless of my faults, my lack of time, or my inability to fill both father and mother roll. They have loved me through the good times and the bad, the happy and the sad... the hard and the easy... for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health.... well, you get the idea. To them, I am Super Mom. Which blows my mind... because in my eyes I am a big fat FAILURE! But my three children tonight... showed me differently. They lifted me up, brushed me off... and let me know that I was loved. It was the most amazing experience EVER. I have never felt so loved or so complete.

True Love.... it is raising a child.

I love you kids! Thank you for such a special evening. You make me PROUD of my title.... "MOM".

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